“A little something to wake up to ;) xxx”

I received a “dick pic” via text a few weeks ago and following a debate/competition for witty responses, I replied with a picture of the m25. Needless to say, he didn’t respond. But I thought long and hard (pardon the pun) about it and decided I should tell him why it was uncool. Here is the essay that Rachael Clerke and I sent him in the world’s longest text message:

Dear X.

Firstly; sorry about the M25 picture. Secondly; here is a short essay I’ve written for you. It contains some advice about women which may explain why I sent you a picture of a road instead of one of my body.

You probably won’t like it much, but if you want to take it seriously (and take women seriously, or care about them), it will help you in the future.

1. Don’t ruin all the fun by jumping the gun and sending a picture of your dick. That takes all the excitement out of everything, and the waiting is so much of what can be good. Half the fun is in the work. Now I already know what’s in your pants. I wasn’t desperate to know that, and I’d probably be all right if you left them on for a while longer. I think you may have defeated the point. Don’t give the game away too early: it makes you come off a bit desperate or like you watch too much porn.
2. I’d already kind of told you I didn’t want to play that game and I never implied that I wanted to wake up, hungover and tired, to a picture of your penis. It was out of the blue and unnecessary and you could actually get in trouble as it’s technically sexual harassment and indecent exposure. So, in future, if you have exchanged only a few texts with a woman, it’s probably not worth the risk of being reported to the police. I don’t think you’re a sex offender, I think you’re harmless (and probably a bit ignorant about the fact that that’s totally not cool) but the next woman you send it to might not feel the same way.
3. It’s not a great idea to send pictures like that to people you don’t know well because it’ll probably get passed round their friends and the internet.
4. Life and sex and women are not like they are in porn. They are not the faceless vagina/penis shots. They are not girls who explode in excitement from being in the same room as a penis. They don’t have the constant need to change direction and act like Usain Bolt on speed. Life and sex and women are so so much better than that. Porny dick pics are not sexy.
5. Don’t be too pushy. I know I said it was charming but it was also on the verge of creepy and a bit rapey; my friends were actually a bit scared when you screamed after me into the changing room. There is also nothing cool about asking to come and stay at mine while you’re entering my number in your phone. Especially when I’ve already said I’m visiting my parents.
(6. Aim for better chat than “hey baby xxx”. I know you’re capable of it. Try the odd funny anecdote and see how it works for you.)

You’re probably feeling a bit embarrassed right now, that’s all right. You’ll get over it. We all do stupid things that seem like a great idea at the time so don’t lose any sleep over it because you’ve probably learnt your lesson now.

You’re good looking, you’re hot, you’re funny, you’re cool, you’re nice and you’re a pretty average skateboarder. But I probably wouldn’t send any more dick pics willy nilly (pun intended) because you’re smarter than that and you should respect yourself more.

People find personality hot too. It doesn’t mean they necessarily want to have a relationship with you, but it does mean you can make someone fancy you without just wapping your cock out.

So don’t send dick pics/cock selfies/penis photos/member moments. Especially don’t send them to hairy-armpitted, argumentative, liberal, bolshy feminists like me.

Lovely to meet you, and all the best and good luck in your future endeavours.

Jojo xxx

Ps. Make your bed.

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One thought on ““A little something to wake up to ;) xxx”

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